"To put your life in danger from time to time..

... breeds a saneness in dealing with day-to-day trivialities." -- Nevil Shute, 'Slide Rule'.

This quote is perfect- it sums up pretty much everything I believe in life. And as promised, the Costa Rica zipline video. I wish I was good at video editing and could add some cool music but alas, the raw version you will get.

check it.

Afraid of Dying

We've all been asked the question - "what's your BIGGEST fear?" and my answer is the same everytime, and it seems no amount of coaxing can convince me to be more scared of anything else.

DYING.

Who isn't afraid of the unknown? I love life way too much for it to just end one day. the end. that's it. no fat lady singing, no floating spirits into the clouds, no 21 gun salute. Just....black.

Well, Tyler Tervooren over at Advanced Riskology wrote this awesome comparison of the likelihood of dying from some of people's worst fears:

And the chances of dying from the number one fear - public speaking - is pretty much zero. Interesting perspective, seeing as we are always making excuses NOT to do things because of the danger associated with them.

So what the hell throw caution to the wind-- god knows death didn't even cross my mind when I went skydiving, but it sure as hell does every so often when I am driving in to work in the morning. Funny how that is- my fears of death can be so rational at times, but my lack of it in other situations is almost laughable.

From the rubble comes...

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as if everything is.”
-Einstein

That quote really struck me this morning. I spend far too many days dreading the monotony of what has become a life lived that is actually much more exciting than I give it credit for. Despite the seemingly endless hours spent behind a desk at work and hours logged in the evening at the gym, I get to do a lot of cool stuff that I totally take for granted.

I can bitch and moan about work all I want, but that's what affords me the opportunity to roadtrip through Costa Rica, spend weekends camping in Maine, hiking in New Hampshire, long weekends on Martha's Vineyard, snowboarding in Vermont, countless concerts all over the Northeast, visits to NYC, impromptu weekend jaunts to Rhode Island/Chicago/New York, skydiving in Western Massachusetts, dinners in the North End of Boston, Pats games, seeing the Sox/Yankees rivalry in realtime at one of the nation's oldest ballparks- Fenway, outdoor festivals, old school New England clambakes in the summertime, sailing lessons in Boston Harbor...

the list continues, and the best part is, those are all things I've just done in the last year.

Sometimes I need to be reminded to stop and smell the roses - I've managed to do everything I set out to in my lifetime, and I'm thankful to have the willpower to stick to my guns. But the flip side of that coin, is that the yearning for newness never fades - from each adventure is born a new one, with each conquest comes a new goal set, and with each endeavor embarked on a new mission is unraveled. I have never been able to sit back and relish in my accomplishment, my success is felt in just a fleeting moment and then my mind quickly wanders to..what next?

Well-- here's what's next for me for the next few months - and don't dare me to add anything to this list because I will, whether I want to or not (it's just too hard to say no for fear of missing out on an incredible experience):
-Flying a plane in March
-Bonnaroo in June
-Warrior Dash in late June
-Teach in Vietnam in September

..and that's just a tasting of some things that are bound to be taking place amidst a peppering of other last-minute, peer-pressured or self-inflicted challenges.

So no time like the present to truly revel at the beauty in really creating our own blueprints for our own lives - it's only taken me 25 years to realize that no matter what anyone else will say to me I am the only one that's responsible for the stories I'll be telling at 80- and I want them to be good.

a leap, a plunge, a dive, a jump

So in the past few months I've been doing a lot of reading, research, whatever you want to call it, on long term travel and career breaks, career changes, sabbaticals, what have you.
Yesterday I stumbled across the opportunity of a lifetime after being directed to Sean's blog Location 180. I've been toying with the idea of an international relocation for quite some time now-- but the usual excuses (work, bills, student loans, finances, etc. etc.) have kept me from committing. I looked back into Sean's old posts and found that he had gone through the EXACT same struggle before he jumped ship to Thailand with nothing but a  backpack and a laptop.

Sean pretty much grappled with the same issues I did, and I swear he was inside my head (or maybe I have been inside his) because he writes verbatim what I've been thinking all along.

Right now I'm committed to living the life I want, and only I can build it. I refuse to succumb to the pressures of society that say that I have to sit on my ass at a desk for 10 hours a day to be a productive member of society. Me firing off emails to other people wealthier than I is not contributing much to any society, except for the upper class gentry of which I'll never be a part of if I stay on this track. My motivation is lost, my mission is no longer true, and I have such an anxious yearning to do something bigger- to really follow my dreams.

I have a litmus test of sorts that I use on myself to determine if something is worth doing - it's always worked in the past, and I suspect it will work now. If I have an idea of something I want to do that scares the absolute crap out of me with not an inkling of an idea of what the potential outcome could be, or ramifications for that matter - if I'm struggling with the decision but there is an eagerness and excitement about the uncertainty... I've got to go for it. It's just how I operate and it's how I've done what I've been able to accomplish in my life so far:
- Moving to Florida from NY at age 17
- Moving to Boston from Florida at age 19
- Backpacking Europe at 21 with no plan, no guidebooks and NO clue
- Whitewater Rafting in the Swiss alps with a CRAZY Aussie guide and a bunch of Germans
- Skydiving in Western Mass. (not only skydiving but backflipping twice out of the plane)
- Whitewater Rafting the highest water release in the mountains of Maine
- Leaving a secure full time job in PR to pursue a Biz. Dev. position at an Internet startup (which later failed)
- 2 weeks of road tripping through Costa Rica including a trek through the jungle and finishing the highest, longest zipline in the country ('Superman' style -- I'll post the vid soon)

27 hour ferry ride with friends- Venice to Greece

handstands in the Coloseum

romanced in Paris

getting ready to skydive

driving through the California desert

Now I've been spending the past 2+ years in a job that I like (I use that term loosely), but it certainly doesn't thrill me. So, as usual, I am restless and ready for a change. I've had a timeline in my head since I moved back to Boston after graduating, that time came and went, and now I'm holding myself to a new timeline -- fall of 2011.  That means I need to decide and I need to decide fast.

Here are some of the plans that I'm seriously considering:

• Teaching English abroad - most likely Thailand or Taiwan, maybe S. Korea - the last two are more lucrative financially, but the first one is ...simply put.... paradise. 
• Risk: Expensive - if I pursue this it's going to mean sinking at least $4K into getting a CELTA certification, getting to my destination and incurring living expenses until work starts. CELTA is the most expensive but most broadly accepted certification, and the only one accepted in EU countries (plus it's a salary booster because of its credibility)
• Plus I would be A-L-O-N-E in a very, very different environment where I have no prior experience, no understanding of the language/culture/food/customs....life. Gotta consider my mental state, yo. Thailand is attractive due to the fact that it's home to so many expats I don't think I would feel quite so out of my element, but pay here is lower than in Taiwan or Vietnam. 
• Au Pair in Italy - always been on my bucket list to live in Italy, given the strict EU permissions around non-EU citizens working in Europe (basically impossible unless company sponsored) this seems like the way to go, plus a lot of these families are pretty loaded and looking for a nanny that can travel with the fam. 
• Not really launching me into a new career..really just delaying the inevitable.
• 6 month visa to Australia - not sure what I'd do, but it would get me out of here and settled somewhere else. I could figure this one out as I go along, I think....
• But - it's so far!!!!!!!

So there ya have it. I'll be posting my bucket list in the next few days...mostly for my own good rather than anyone else's. Gotta sort all this shit out some how - I've had a traffic jam in my brain going on 5 months that's just about ready to collide.

a stitch in time

I got stitches earlier this week. Don't look at this if you get at all queasy. I'm not gonna lie, and you can judge me, I was PSYCHED to get them. It really reaffirms my bad-assness, I think. Plus, it'll be my second legit scar so that's cool because I think scars are kinda rad on girls...well, I guess it depends on the scar, really...prob it's location too because I def don't want the Continental Divide running down the middle of my face I'm all set with that.

Check it.

Epiphany vs. Instinct

I realized a funny thing 2 days ago. After battling back to back snow storms followed by freezing rain, a night capped off in hail, tears and a half mile long walk in ice back to my apartment..I walked in to find my hero of a boyfriend pouring me a healthy glass of wine. I was inconsolably upset, mostly from work but a tad from the treacherous battle of parking spots that commences after every snow storm in my neighborhood. I vented for a solid twenty minutes while gulping sipping my wine, tears flowing like a five year old who just got denied an ice cream cone. Eventually after my rant I calmed down, took a deep breath, another slug of wine and I dug into my work bag and ripped out a recipe for these:

PS- got this recipe from http://picky-palate.com/ - Jenny is a rockstar of a mom/chef/superhero and I wanna be her when I grow up..she has no idea who I am btw.

Sinful and slightly fat kid disgusting, I know. Oreo Stuffed Chocolate Chip Cookies. These ones are like, half the size of the monsters I put out. But anyways, I take one more slug of wine and then skip downstairs and start taking my aggression out on two sticks of butter.

While I was stirring, baking, measuring and making an overall mess of my kitchen...I noticed how much I had calmed down from my earlier panic attack. I had completely forgotten about it.

So then I started thinking that, given my recent quarter life crises/life analysis, is this how people find their true calling? I never thought of being a baker or a chef, but to this day I still claim my all time favorite job ever was working in an Italian bakery for 3 years in high school. So...does that mean that I need to start thinking outside the boundaries of what I think my college degree afforded me? Or was this just my natural instinct-- to focus on something else that requires undivided attention to forget about the troubles of my day. I just really  enjoy cooking and baking, but I'm not sure I could devote a lifetime to it. Then again, I have always LOVED the idea of opening up my own bakery/coffee shop. And I'm not sure what my other hobbies are, but maybe this is when i start finding out-- as I keep searching for the next road I need to go down..should be interesting.

And the cookies were bomb btw but I woke up feeling 28 lbs heavier.