Once weekly I'll post a new misfortunate incident in the life of yours truly. A personal, weekly 'fml' anecdotal musing of sorts. I promise you'll laugh and I promise it'll make your own unlucky episodes sting just a little, eensy-weensy, iota of a tiny bit less.
Today's phenomenon played out on this beautiful Monday morning before Christmas as follows:
1. Wake up late at 7:10 am, must leave house by 8 am for way, way, way (multiple years) long overdue dermatologist appointment
2. Shower like a 6 year old boy afraid of water, throw together a pathetic excuse of an outfit that I justify as work appropriate by adding 5 inch beige wedge heels, wolf down a yogurt and race out the door at 8:10 am, leaving 10 minutes for what is at least a 20 minute drive
3. Get the bird from man in Toyota Highlander because he's driving like a sissy and I let him know it
4. Call derm. office to let them know I'm running late, be there ....5ish minutes late. Response: "Show up more than 15 minutes late and the doc won't see you."
5. Start driving erratically
6. Pass cars on the highway, honk at anyone driving the speed limit and dodge pedestrians...eventually play chicken driving into oncoming traffic at 8:30 am to pass the slowpokes.
7. Pull into parking lot at 8:32- throw money at parking attendant and hoof it inside.
8. Frantically sign forms at reception and remind them I'm ON THE CUSP OF MISSING MY APPOINTMENT
9. Waltz in at 8:35 - doc sees me and puts a shot in my neck. Off to work we go.
10. Get awfully huge, impossible 1 person project assigned to me. Saweet.
11. Run to Post Office to pick up Customs Tags for the stupid gifts for the rich people that come to the office and act like everytime they meet me it's the first time...it starts to snow. My sinus infections worsens.
12. Back to work - sit at desk alone in the abyss of an office that I am now stuck in, devoid of interaction for the next 6 hours.
13. Receive a call at 4:45 about the technical requirements for an 8 am meeting tomorrow- contact IT, they go home at 5...attempt to test myself.
14. Pack up laptop in frenzied rush, throw on coat and race to car at 5:15 so as not to miss (for the 2nd time) my 6 pm dentist appt.
15. It's snowing for the first time. A lot.
16. Hit every red light, traffic is backed up twice as bad as usual
17. Sit in traffic 40 minutes longer than it takes to get home - call dentist to say I'm late
18. Get to dentist, circle block for 5 minutes to find parking - throw car into spot, hobble out in 5 inch wedge heels and shuffle uphill through snow to dentist office.
19. Get in, apologize profusely to the dentist and the assistant - sit in...the chair.
20. Dentist suggests he do the filling of the right tooth, I insist he do the left- the one that the filling I received last year has extracted itself from its place inside my mouth and formed a cavity underneath what was already there. Please? He puts anesthetic on the left side. I win.
21. Dentist says "hm, welp - insurance won't cover that side." umm. what?
22. I argue. Dentist goes to his computer only to confirm that insurance won't cover it. I argue. I lose.
23. Dentist inject right side with 2 shots of novacaine. The drilling begins. I drool from both sides.
24. Finish the festivities at the dentist, decide to go to Rite Aid for Holiday wrapping paper.
25. Go inside, waste 25 minutes choosing the perfect wrapping paper design..pay, leave. Still snowing.
26. Get hit by pole-- yea, the pole hit me...because of oversized Jeep Cherokee's pathetic excuse at a parking job forcing me to execute 13 point turn. Another fail.
27. Go home and continue to drool on myself/bitch about the irony of my life.
What.a.bitchfest.
Apparently I needed to vent -- thanks for sticking with me. Next one will be a bit less....self-serving.
